While you slept this morning, peacefully curled up in a sheets-burrito with your white noise machine rocking, dreaming of cooler temperatures and drinking Carajillos with First Face* Ryan Gosling, the truly dedicated State Fair of Texas concessionaires were setting up to present their finalist items to the hard-hitting journalists of the DFW area. (*We’re solidly in Third Face Ryan Gosling era, by the way. We can celebrate all Ryan Gosling faces, but it’s arguably impossible to beat First Face Gosling in a white motorcycle jacket.)
We were there to report the most important news at the earliest possible moment, poised to send all-caps emails with “BREAKING NEWS” subject lines before the sun even thought about rising.
Why does this announcement need to happen at 6:10 in the ever-loving ante flippin’ meridiem? Are news reporters nicer before their coffee begins to successfully animate their soulless hearts? Are the State Fair of Texas fryers some kind of vampires who can’t be seen in the light of day, else they’ll burn to fried dust?
Taylor Pulfer, the director of communications at the State Fair of Texas, says, “We’ve found the timing allows us to get broadcast coverage during all the morning shows in DFW.” But, I think it’s because Little Big Tex is a sadistic morning person who likes to see us suffer. I’m pretty sure I heard him say he doesn’t even drink coffee “because he just doesn’t need it.” Whatever, dude. Your head is, like, 1,000 times the normal size. Probably you should get that checked out.
Well, as it turns out, the finalists this year are all salads and vegan tacos, so it’s real good we all work up early. Kidding! It’s all fried or straight sugar. New at the fair this year, if you don’t want to get your steps in by walking aimlessly around Fair Park to every concession stand, you can go VIP, cut out the middleman and get yourself an IV-drip of sugar and fryer grease by driving through Gate 14 and yelling, “FRY MY VEINS.” Ok, that’s not real either. I’m sorry.
Before we get to the list of actual finalists, I need you to know that the people who work for the fair’s marketing team are consummate professionals. They had to say the word “balls” 1,054 times. And not one person (besides me) in the crowd laughed even once. Because (real) journalists are adults, you guys.
As they unveiled each finalist, they described the items in detail. Words like “drizzled,” “dusted,” “double-fried,” “fried to perfection,” and “on a stick” were all in attendance.
Sometimes, the descriptions get even wordier. One item was described as “Promising to deliver every flavor profile…” Oh. Wow. That’s ambitious. I’m not sure I can handle that. I might be processing this incorrectly, but the only thing that I know of that delivers every flavor profile at once is vomit.
For the 2024 Big Tex Choice Awards, there can be only three winners, and none of them are your intestines. Behold: Your list of finalists, and my predictions. (As you read, drink every time they describe their item as an “explosion” of anything.)
Savory
Dominican Fritura Dog
Alice’s tasting notes: It’s a corny dog with Dominican flavors that they had to take off the stick and cut open so you fools would know what was going on in there.
Official Description: “This savory dish brings an explosion of flavor that starts with fritura cheese and Dominican salami. Taking classic fair food up a notch, this dish is then double deep fried with their famous corn dog batter! Split open and topped with garlic plantain chips, top-secret Dominican sauce, and cilantro, the Dominican Fritura Dog will bring you the best of salty and sweet with an explosion of Dominican flavor. “Hopefully, we’re opening another avenue for people at the State Fair to try something they don’t normally try. That’s what the State Fair is about,” said Justin Martinez, creator of the Dominican Fritura Dog.”
The Drowning Taquitos
Alice’s tasting notes: Taquitos in a cup is a great idea. Stabbing them into the guac and salsa at the bottom of the cup led to some sogginess. But maybe that’s because it had to sit there and wait for an hour watching Little Big Tex brag about his running (“I PR’ed for my race, and won second in my age group,”) before we could eat.
Description: “Served in a cup, these fresh, hand-rolled corn tortillas are stuffed with tender shredded chicken and then deep-fried to perfection. To further encapsulate the savory flavor, the taquitos are then “drowned” with a tangy cream sauce, jalapeño, guacamole salsa, shredded lettuce, avocado, tomatillo, pico, and Cotija cheese.”
Hippie Chips,
Alice’s tasting notes: They’re loaded fries made with waffle potato chips. They’ll be great drunk food at the fair, and these folks told me they also sell champagne shots (which, incidentally, never made it to the finals of this competition. Weird.)
Description: “These far-out wavy potato chip nachos promise to deliver ‘every flavor profile’ with your choice of either zesty homemade ranch or blue cheese dressing, topped with bacon bits, fresh green onions, and a tangy drizzle of sriracha. You can be extra funky and add blue cheese crumbles if you’re so inclined.”
Hot Chick-in-Pancake Poppers
Alice’s tasting notes: This is my pick to win BEST SAVORY. This item is made by the folks from Palmer’s Hot Chicken, and dude brought an air fryer to crisp up his dish. Brilliant. The other concessionaires need to steal this idea. (The air fryer and the hot chicken balls.)
Description: “They’re savory, they’re sweet, and they’re easy to eat. Authentic Nashville hot chicken and pimento cheese are rolled into a ball, dunked into pancake batter, and fried to a golden brown, then topped with a drizzle of Sriracha honey and a sprinkle of Nashville hot powdered sugar.”
Texas Fried Burnt End Bombs
Alice’s tasting notes: Taking a bite of this, the meat looked more like ground beef inside than burnt ends, and wasn’t smoky at all, but who doesn’t love a hashbrown filled with meats, amiright?
Description: “These bombs take mouthwatering brisket wrapped with shredded potatoes, bacon, and cheese, deep fry it, and top it with a raspberry chipotle barbeque glaze drizzled to add the perfect touch of sweetness.”
Sweet
Nevins Nutty Bar-laska
Alice’s tasting notes: This was delicious. If you’re already a fan of these ice cream bars, this is next level.
Description: “This sweet treat takes the classic nutty bar and adds toasted marshmallow, two Oreos®, strawberry sauce, and freeze-dried strawberry pieces. “It’s on a stick! What’s more fair food than that?” said Josey Nevins-Mayes, co-creator of the Nevins Nutty Bar-laska.”
Rousso’s Cotton Candy Bacon on a Stick
Alice’s tasting notes: This is my pick for BEST SWEET and MOST CREATIVE. It’s delicious, not cloyingly sweet, plus you get to watch Rousso use a blowtorch and it ends up looking really weird. It’s the perfect WTF fair moment. And yes, the carnies will be armed with blowtorches at each Rousso booth.
Description: “This masterful combination of sweet and savory flavors comes to life with the Cotton Candy Bacon on a Stick—a thick, 12-inch piece of bacon cooked to perfection with a cotton candy glaze on top. The bacon is spun inside a cotton candy machine and torched to caramelize the center and lock in that sweet flavor.”
Strawberry Pop-Tarts® Beignettfle
Alice’s tasting notes: This one was really super sweet. Kids will love it, for sure. But then they’ll crash in 24 minutes, so just make sure to put them in the stroller and book it home as soon as they finish eating it.
Description: “This sweet treat was inspired by the flavors of New Orleans beignets and the childhood nostalgia of Pop-Tarts® and waffles, all put together on a stick because Justin says, ‘Everything is better on a stick.’ The Strawberry Pop-Tarts® Beignetffle is a heavenly combination of a fluffy beignet and a crispy waffle topped with homemade strawberry filling, a sweet vanilla icing drizzle, fresh whipped cream, and garnished with colorful sprinkles.”
Texas Sugar Rush Pickles
Alice’s tasting notes: Another one that was really super sweet that kids will enjoy. There’s a lollipop in the top and Lucky Charms and layers of cotton candy and strawberry syrup. Holy cavities.
Description: “These cotton-candy-flavored pickle slices are coated in three cereal varieties—Lucky Charms™, Froot Loops®, and Cap’n Crunch® —and then layered in cotton candy, cotton candy sugar crystals, and powdered sugar before being drizzled with strawberry sundae syrup. As if that wasn’t enough, these dressed-up pickles are served with a helping of vanilla ice cream, adding a perfectly cool touch to this crazy concoction!”
Tropical Two-Step Punch
Alice’s tasting notes: The people who run this booth and were presenting this drink were at a full 10 on an excitement scale of 1-5 this morning. Tajin makes the drink spicy, and I enjoyed it. You can also get it with Fireball in it, which they were not offering at 6 a.m. Weak.
Description: “To give fairgoers a taste of paradise, this punch marinates fruits like citrus, passionfruit, and mango overnight to create a crisp cooler that’s fresh, tangy, sweet, sour, and spicy. Available in both alcoholic and non-alcoholic options, this thirst quencher is sure to help you cool down on a hot day at the fair.”
Winners of the Big Tex Choice Awards will be announced on Thursday, August 22nd. The 2024 State Fair of Texas opens Friday, September 27th, and runs through Sunday, October 20th. So, start figuring out your drizzled explosion of a recovery cleanse now.
Author
